Big Penis

A few weeks ago Boo Boo and I were listening to the sounds of life on the block. He had just woken up from his nap and we were still laying on the bed. A kid in the yard behind our building was playing basketball. A baby wailed from somewhere else.

“Baby crying,” said Boo Boo. 

“Aren’t you still a baby?”

“No,” he said. 

“Are you a kid?

“No.” 

“Well, then what are you?” 

“I’m a big kid.” 

I gently squeezed his arm, still squishy with baby fat, and asked what made him a big kid. 

“Big kid go potty inda toilet.”

Yes, my baby goes potty in the toilet, and every time he does it’s a party in the bathroom.

We used to read to him and draw pictures for him to get him to see the bathroom as a happy place. When I was a kid I remembered the bathroom being pretty scary. I was convinced I’d fall into the toilet one day and be flushed out into the ocean.

Boo Boo also likes to bring his favorite trucks to bear witness to him doing his duty. I don’t know if all toddlers love an audience, but this one certainly does. 

The bathroom experience also comes with new vocabulary words. Tush, behind, booty, butt, bottom, are all words he can use fluently now, as well as penis. I had been wondering when would be appropriate to teach about private parts, while also wondering if there’s ever a moment that’s not appropriate,  but soon enough I found myself telling him to make sure his penis was tucked behind the splash guard so that he didn’t pee on the floor, and doing the tucking myself before he actually peed on the floor. Often life answers our most pressing parenting questions for us. 

We do not have a potty chair. Instead we have a seat that we place on the toilet. It has a splash guard and handles. All forms of excrement go directly into the toilet so I don’t have to spend time I don’t have scraping shit out of a plastic bowl that, while small, would take up too much space in our tiny NYC bathroom. 

There are times, though, when I see the value of getting a potty chair, as it will effectively turn our apartment to a 1.5 bathroom apartment while only paying one-bathroom apartment rent. These times come when my digestive track is in sync with Boo Boo’s, which is what happened a couple weeks ago.

I had just voided my bowels and had started wiping myself when I heard the drumbeat of tiny, determined feet on the floor, heading right towards the backroom.

“I go poopy,” Boo Boo said as he flung the door open.

He was in his underwear, which he had not been soiled yet. In fact, he had gone a full month pooping and peeing in the potty. Yes, while others were busy learning how to make sourdough bread, knitting, creating victory gardens or watching Neflix, Boo Boo spent his quarantine learning how to use the potty and I didn’t want that day to be the day he broke his streak, even if it meant I had to wait to finish wiping my own ass. I pulled down his pants while I was still seated then quickly stepped aside, with my underwear still bunched at my feet and my dress gathered around my waist. 

Boo Boo sat on the toilet with his little hands gripping the handles and his feet dangling high above the floor. Boo Boo feels massive when I hold him and when he sits on my lap, but he always looks so small when he’s on the toilet. 

With toddlers, using the toilet is a hurry up and wait situation. At the mention of potty or poopy or pee the grown-ups drop what they’re doing and scramble around like circus animals, sometimes only to find that their tot only wanted you to read Hop on Pop in the bathroom–for the acoustics, presumably. 

I stood with my dress still gathered at my hips to see what kind of bathroom situation this would be. The only thing I could be certain of was that I would not be reading anything. Not now.

“A big one.” Boo Boo said. He often likes to narrate whatever he’s doing and that doesn’t change when he’s in the bathroom. Sure enough, I could hear a gusher big enough for Saint Bernard streaming out of my child. He smiled to himself and I smiled too. “Wow, lots of pee!”

“Big penis.”

“Yeah, you peed a lot.”

“Big penis.”

“Hmmm, do you have to go more?” I chose to ignore his anatomical assessment, because I had no idea when it had occurred to him to assess private parts, and there was of course the more pressing matter of if he actually needed to poop.

“Ummmm, maybe.”  

“Okay! Let’s see.” 

“Big penis.”

I sighed, wondered how long this poop would take, and reminded myself to be grateful that Boo Boo was making such big strides.

“Big penis.”

You know how sometimes, or rather most times, when you ignore a problem it never goes away? It always seems to get bigger? Well, that’s toddlers in a nutshell.

“Big penis.”

Sometimes people ignore problems because they don’t know what to do about them, or because they don’t know if a problem is actually a problem, like my toddler talking about penis size. Is he talking about penis size because it’s an ingrained part of Western masculinity, or because it’s natural for children to make observations about their world? And because toddlers think everything they do is big, which in a way it is because often they’re doing something for the first time? A pancake is not just a pancake, it’s always a big pancake, no matter what size it is. He doesn’t take a sip of water, he takes big sips, he doesn’t simply make a splash, he makes a big splash. It’s an agency thing. Toddlers are learning about their agency, and they most certainly always go big. 

The thing is, you think if you ignore them, they’ll give up and start saying or doing something different, like a well-adjusted grown up would if their joke fell flat, but that never happens with toddlers. 

“BIG PENIS!”

But speaking of well-adjusted grown-ups, it’s always a good idea to openly communicate about the things that bother you–in a well-adjusted way, and ask questions so you can learn more.

“Who has a big penis?”

Boo Boo smiled now that he had my attention. 

“Mommy has big penis!”

“Mommy has a big penis?”

“Yeah!”

I looked down at my crotch area, which was hidden by the length of dress that I had gathered in my hand. The excess cloth drooped down like a ponytail or, as Boo Boo saw it, a giant flaccid penis. 

I laughed, and so did he, because it was the right thing to do.